Wednesday, October 3, 2012
We've been doing bio-medical intervention with my boy, Aydan since the beginning. Upon learning of his autism diagnosis, I never hesitated to consider it. People will often ask me "..yeah but does that stuff work?" My answer is something like this, "switching from Wonder bread to organic gluten, yeast free Food for Life bread will hurt nothing but your pocket book.. and don't you function better when you're healthy?" I'm very open to exploring the options of bio-medical interventions but there are a lot of snake oil salesmans out there, so I research quite a bit. The main thing I look for is that it be established, logical and safe.. AND if it's not approved by the FDA.. that's even better. If it is potentially harmful or seemingly ridiculous, we move onto the next thing... There's no shortage of new things to try.. try.. and try again.. The only problem is, it's pretty much NEVER within our family's means. The high costs of organic, gluten free, soy free, egg free, dairy free, uncured, dye-free, all natural, sans pesticides, sans GMO, sans money to pay for it.. Get my drift? And the other hard part is.. it isn't a cure. It's not! I've heard stories of non-verbal children talking within 3 days after beginning a Gluten free, Casein free diet but I have also heard of people who win the lottery... I have NEVER met any of these people. I have NEVER met someone who cured or recovered their child's autism with one simple thing. It is always a myriad of therapies.. generally both traditional and non.. done over several years and we have done a lot of them over the past 4. I won't say all by a long shot but A LOT.. What.. you might ask? Oy vey.. Here she blows.. DAN protocol, chelation therapy, gluthathione, DMSA, Vitamin Therapy (list way too long), AIT (Auditory Integration Training), RDI (Relationship Development Intervention), ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis), DIR (Floortime), Hanen Language program, Speech therapy, Occupational Therapy, Physical therapy, Special Day school, Intensive autism class, (we've had to sue the school incurring immense legal fees to get many of these by the way).. Uhm.. where was I? Oh.. right.. Vision therapy, Music Therapy, Hippo (horse) therapy, Mastgotova, Quigong Sensory Training, Chiropractics, HANDLE, CEASE therapy, Miller Method.. Am I forgetting anything? Oh yeah.. the diet, SCD (Specific Carbohydrate Diet), GF/CF/SY (Gluten, Casein/dairy, Soy free), Candida diet.. Oh that's right.. also Anti-fungal treatment.. wait I may not be finished with the diet stuff but I haven't a lifetime to write this essay so let's move on. Anti-fungals? Yes.. let's talk about yeast, Extreme high dose pro-biotics, fermented foods, garlic, oil of oregano.. Uhm... other stuff.. And then LOTS of other stuff and at one point I think we did Nystatin and Difulcan until we just kept it au naturale. What am I forgetting? B-12 injections? Yeah, those too. So whatever.. I'm exhausted. Some of it has made some positive changes, some of it we couldn't afford long enough to tell, and some others will have to try again.. But there's never a shortage of recovery stories and as long as there out there, I have the energy to try again.. Not necessarily the money.. and not necessarily the energy either to be honest but I do it anyway. To answer the question once again, does any of it work? Well, yes some works for some.. and we'll keep looking until we find that some. I definitely want some.. don't we all? So what's this essay about? Right.. Biofilm protocol. Our DAN performs the Biofilm Protocol as follows: The following supplements should be rotated every 3-4 weeks. Start with the Microbial Maintenance. - Microbial Maintenance Plus Artemisinin capsules: 2 capsules daily, may take 1 capsule twice daily $71.20 - NutriBiotic GSE (Grapefruit Seed Extract Liquid): 1-6 drops by mouth once to twice daily (best tolerated when taken in water or juice). $9.99 - Biocidin soft gels: start with 1 soft gel daily and increase to 2 soft gel daily as tolerated. $48.95 - Pharmax Caprylate Complex: 1 capsule 3 times daily $18.54 So those little numbers after the words are monies.. monies we don't have because of everything else. Can't I get a job? I wish.. God please don't strike me down for being ungrateful. I'm not ungrateful.. I'm really not.. I just need more money. God you never told me life was so expensive. How do people live off the grid with no money these days? Does that still exist? If so, please write me and tell me how as I'm desperately looking for a way out of this mess. Until then.. if you could please help (if you can), we would be very appreciative and God will hold a seat for you in heaven.. I can't confirm that but let's hope, right? We are raising funds for Aydan's Bio-film Protocol!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
I have come to realize that I am living in denial.. maybe. I accept.. I accept that life isn't fair.. Well, no I don't! I want to.. Well, no I don't! I want it to be fair.. It isn't! I understand it isn't fair but to understand, is not the same as acceptance. Life?? If it is not fair, then what is it?? For me, it is painful, it is difficult, it is challenging, it is full of love and joy. It isn't hard to find traits within my son to love... his face, his smile, his dimple, his laugh, his hug, his touch, his eyes when they are fixed on mine, the look of anticipation when I'm about to read the part in Where The Wild Things Are when the wild things ROAR their terrible roars.. his being.. his soul is the very light and energy that love itself revolves around. He held this light before his vaccine injury and since it has remained. So why am I not satisfied? But I am.. I am satisifed with the light.. the being.. the soul.. but I want more. I want the person.. the TRUE person within to emerge. Who are you Aydan? What do you like.. what do you see.. why does the grass feel good (or seem to feel good) on your bare feet? What is in your heart? Who are you? I have never entertained the notion of perfection. If I had a perfect child, why would he want me as a mother? I resent the notion that by wanting to know my son.. wanting him for who he is.. who he is really.. who he was before vaccines.. who he was meant to be... is an effort to make a robo-Aydan. As if I wouldn't be completely happy with a nerd, geek, pierced Emo.. I could care less about perfect or normal or whatever societal idea of perfect is.. and I know what you're thinking.. but no.. this isn't denial. So, how am I in denial? I deny that this maybe the way things will always be. I deny that he may always need someone to help him, I deny that he may never have a friend.. I denied it at age 3, because "he was only 3".. I denied it at age 4 because "he was only 4".. I denied it at age 5, because "he was only 5"... Age 6... Age 7... Age 16? I deny that I will die.. I deny that I will leave this world without knowing he's taken care of.. I deny I will leave this world without knowing he's free from this prison, in which he lives.. I deny son, that when I'm gone there will be no one on this Earth to value you.. as I do! Tell me son.. What do you like? What do you want? Who do you want to be when you grow up? What does your voice sound like? How does a lemon smell to you? Will I ever know? Will I remain in denial, that I may not? Can I accept that? Will I? If I say "yes", does that seal your fate? If I say "no" does that mean I cling to tight? I've heard stories in my life of couples with grave difficulty conceiving a child.. for years they try.. they long.. they prayer... spend thousands, sometimes millions of dollars in hopes that they will bare a child. Then one day, they accept they will not.. they weep, they move on.. they decide to adopt and... poof... they are pregnant. How does that happen? Will I ever let go without a hidden agenda that like the couple... poof.. you will come back to me? Today.. Aydan.. you are 7.. someday son, you will be 16 but today you are 7 and we have work to do! This week in autism recovery looks like this: 1. Call the lawyer to get status on due process case with school 2. Continue with CEASE therapy, order remedies for new clears 3. Daily Aloe, Zinc, Vitamin C, Omegas, Whole food supplements 4. Order the Urine Toxic Elements Test 5. Massage on Wednesdays and Sundays 6. Epsom Salt bath nightly 7. No more eating with fingers 8. Resume walking everyday, preferably nature hikes 9. PRAYER Prayer.. I prayer for you.. I prayer for us.. I ask the God within us both to have the strength to rise to whatever this violent, unfair, joyous life has in store for us.. I cannot deny.. I cannot let go.. Is that denial a false sense of hope? Is that asking too much? Forget it.. forget it!! I want it.. I want you Aydan.. I want to know you.. I wanted it when you were in my belly.. I wanted it when the vaccine took you away.. I wanted it at 3.. I want it at 7.. and I imagine I will want it at 16.. at 65.. that is if you have not returned to me yet.. cause afterall, I'm not dying. This essay is also published on April’s blog at http://aydansrecovery.blogspot.com/, where she’s trying to raise $85 to pay for Aydan’s Urine Toxic Elements test. She are following up on chelation therapy to remove toxins safely. Any help is much appreciated—including prayers." http://gaia-health.com/gaia-blog/2012-06-19/is-it-denial-to-want-to-know-the-real-child-hidden-inside-an-autism-afflicted-body/
Friday, May 4, 2012
I'm in the grocery store a couple days ago and my autistic son, Aydan now 7 years old is out of control. He's running up and down the aisles, pounding his hands all over the bread and runs up to a strange man who he pushes from behind. The man turns around as most people do when this happens with a look of disgust.. first at Aydan, then at me.. 'horrible mother.. that you are.. you should be ashamed..' all over their faces. Coming in at 62 pounds and 4'9", I am forced to put Aydan in the grocery cart, like a toddler in order to finish the shopping. As we're walking through another aisle, there is a child around 3 years old, also sitting in a cart filled with the average American diet.. processed cheese, Lucky Charms cereal.. She looks at me with full eye contact, a beautiful smile and says with perfect articulation, "hi.. how are you?", I respond, "fine, how are you?" Then she addresses Aydan, "how are you?" Aydan has no response, I ask Aydan if he would please say "hi" to the little girl, he responds... "ba..". See "ba.." is one of the only sounds he can utter... "ba" means whatever you want it to mean. It could be.. hi, bye, mommy.. whenever he is asked to speak.. he says "ba.." sometimes he says "pa.." sometimes he says "bye bye.." but that's about it. A couple weeks earlier the service coordinator from the Regional Center that provides in home therapy for Aydan's disability is in our home for an annual review. He decides this person is not welcome in our home.. he pinches her and when asked to stop begins to throw strawberries at her.. I guess it was a well communicated desire, be it unacceptable but understood nevertheless. Case worker says, clearly he's not improving very much and needs a new, more intensive intervention perhaps.. okay.. "What level is he?" she asks. "What do you mean, level?" I reply. "In school.. what level is he in school?" Oh.. "he's in the first grade." "No.. I mean what's his level?" "He functions at the level of a 2 year old, does that answer your question?" There is no level. "Oh.." is the only thing she can think to say. When Aydan was first diagnosed I used to love hearing stories of autism recovery. It would sit in my memory file under "something to try." This child recovered using this.. file that one under "reinvestigate in a year"... this child recovered using that... file under "too expensive but in desperation reconsider".. a child recovered from this after being very severe, file under "do whatever you can to get that started immediately." Today.. 4 1/2 years later, little has changed except for Aydan's age and size. I now have a very different feeling when I hear those stories, something along the lines of what you might think when you hear about someone who won the trillion dollar lottery. You aren't mad at the person, you don't want to take it away from them but you maybe disconnected from it, as if it's something that only happens to other people.. you might even wonder why that is. I get a lot of advice.. people tell me to try this or that or the other.. usually it's already been tried.. sometimes it hasn't.. sometimes it's helpful.. sometimes I can't afford it.. sometimes it's unrealistic.. and on and on... There's never a shortage of things to keep in the memory file. You see, it isn't that I want to take the lottery winnings away from someone else.. it isn't that I wish I had a trillion dollars.. it isn't that I want the little girl at the grocery store to say only "ba.." but it would be nice if when asked I could say, "yes, Aydan's at this level.." "Well, he's in the first grade but just started to draw.. or color.. or hold a fuckin' pencil.." It's that I want a LEVEL! It isn't pretty and maybe I'm bitter and maybe I'm a hater and maybe I don't deserve it but it's what I want and I can no longer fake it. I can't pretend that I don't want to hear the stories.. I WANT A FUCKIN' CURE!! Where's the cure? Don't tell me, it' isn't going to be easy.. I ALREADY KNOW IT ISN'T EASY!! Does anyone think this has been easy? Oh.. I know, I'm blessed.. because it could've been this or that.. but this wasn't divine intervention, it wasn't God's way, it wasn't random and chance.. it was a vial of poison injected into my toddler son... and that is where he has stayed... THAT is his level. Do I sound hateful or angry or bitter?? I'm not proud of feeling this way.. I'm not proud that I no longer want to be around my friends with kids because even my friends with autistic children have managed to reach some level of recovery... it hasn't been easy for them.. I know. I know they've earned and struggled and fought tooth and nail.. but so have we. I feel at some point this is no longer acceptable to talk about.. at what point do I go from being sympathetic to annoying to just plain "get over yourself". I don't know.. maybe I'm already there. I once wrote this monologue in college about a person who has a nervous break down while sitting in a traffic jam. She described being in a hot car with no air coniditioner, no radio, broken windows.. all she could see was cars.. cars on top of cars on top of cars on top of cars on top cars... as her voice lifted she began to shout "and I am liKE THE CARS.. NOT MOVING.. NOT GOING.. NOTHING BUT CARS ON TOP OF CARS ON TOP OF CARS..." Now imagine you have been sitting in that car for nearly 5 years. Do you still want to judge me for being bitter? And please don't think I'm giving up.. I don't want to give up.. I would never give up.. is that really even an option? How does one even consider that in this situation? Give up how? Go where? Leave it all behind and live in Parisian commune? Does that even exist? No.. of course that isn't what's happening here. I will always reach back into the memory files and say "what about this?" But I can't help but to think every now and then about these past 5 years and feel pain for their loss. I keep praying and hoping and plotting and deciding and working my ass off.. to get out of this hot car and it will always be that way.. that is.. until.. we finally get out. Wouldn't you do the same?