Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Today I yelled at cop. I’ve never done this before, I was raised to respect and obey authority. If you get pulled over for speeding (which I did) you politely hand over your driver’s license, registration and proof of insurance and wait for them to either give you a break or ticket. But this cop did not want to give me a break and simultaneously I hit my breaking point. With both kids in tow I was running late to see one of my son’s therapists. I was nearly there but still about 10 minutes late, so picked I up the speed a bit to not lose too much time of the session, then I saw the cop car behind me. Shit!! I knew it, I blew it and here it was. I tried to slow down, change lanes and see if he’d let me go but he didn’t. I pulled over, did the routine and while he was taking his sweet time to review my information, my autistic son Aydan, started self stimming, banging the car seat, pulling off his seat belt, etc. I got out went around to the other side to put Aydan’s seat belt back on and in an instance as I saw the cop writing my ticket I felt a pang inside.. All way too much. I shouted out to him, “my son has autism; he has trouble waiting in the car when it is still and we’re late for therapy, couldn’t you let me go this one time?” Without even looking at me he brushed me off with his hand and said “back to your car.” That’s it!!! “I got out of my car because my son can’t sit still, as I told you, he’s getting out of his seat belt, I had to put him back in.. you know what.. You’re heartless… this is why people HATE cops!!!” Still he didn’t look up at me. I went back to my seat and waited. He gave me my ticket and told me to drive safe.
Now around 45 minutes late for our session, embarrassed because I was balling my eyes out, I sent the therapist a text message we wouldn’t make it and started back home. Here I was no session, lost time, lost money.. Argghhh.. I began to look around at everything, the freeway, the gas station, the trees on the sidewalk.. None of it feels real… None of anything feels right. I think about why I’m so upset by this event, easily it’s another expense to an already overextended financial situation, the cost of the ticket, the car, the insurance.. Does any of this seem real? What are these things? What are we all doing?
“This is why everyone hates cops..” I yelled at that man.. Because why? Because we’re empty.. Desensitized and I’m just looking for someone to feel. At what point did an explosive autistic child sitting in the back of the car become so normal that it didn’t even illicit a look? He wouldn’t even look at me to say anything, not even an “oh well I’m sorry but I still need to give this ticket.” I think back to an early on incident at the grocery store. I am standing in front of the non-dairy milks, Aydan screeching in the cart so I take him out to hold him. He was around 2 ½ and had just been diagnosed. A woman with her perfectly normal child asks my opinion on the best non-dairy milk, her niece is in town and cannot tolerate regular milk. As I begin to explain, Aydan irritated by the talking begins to screech louder, a woman walking down the aisle feels it is her job to tell me I’m not handling my child well. “How can you stand, why don’t you make him stop?” I yell as loud as possible for everyone around to hear, “I wish I could ma’am, he has AUTISM…”
What are we all doing? What is this life? We look around and it’s all things, stuff, very little is real anymore and even as humans we just resemble a semblance of something that used to be. We all talk about the world as it changes moving into the science fiction reality reminiscent of Aldous Huxley’s “A Brave New World” but maybe we’re not moving towards it… because we’re already there.
It’s not like me to yell at people especially authority figures but on the eve of a time in history where we are looking at the possibility of law enforcement and military having the right to turn guns or indefinitely imprison American citizens what I felt was a breaking point... The cop, the ticket, the money, our time, and my son.. “oh Aydan, my precious darling.. The meaning of life to me and yet I can’t be enough to help you through this.” I try, I work, I read, I research.. Oh and people.. People are still good.. So many who give their hearts, suggestions, well wishes and prayers but the suggestions all cost money and there just went a little more. I felt it all add up to this point of no return where I yelled at the cop. He was probably okay, heard a million excuses, most of them lies “just doing his job”. Oh lord help us.. When did this all become normal? How did we get this far?
And the money.. Oh.. The money.. Vaccines are easily covered by insurance but when your child is vaccine damaged you’re on your own.. The medical industrial complex does not pay, does not care and will try to make you think you’re crazy for even entertaining the possibility of your own experience. Sure if you want more drugs you’ll get those but if you actually want to reverse the damage you must pay, pay, pay..
Early into this journey I never allowed one opportunity to pass me by. If there was an event, conference, lecture, class, support group, etc. about autism I was there, if I could have it funded or it was free and add on childcare, there was no stopping me. One such event was a local screening of the movie “Autism Yesterday.” I watched as these families reversed their vaccine injured children’s autism, I wanted to feel optimistic and hopeful about it but I didn’t. Instead I went home and cried to my husband, “only the rich have recovered children..”
So today, I lost it. Too much at once, the world, this country, the police state, my life, my son, no money.. I don’t mean to feel sorry for myself, I know we are blessed but this too in many ways is a tragedy. When I think of the families of vaccine injured children who have been permanently disabled or killed by the damage I know we are fortunate to be able to fight another day. I know we have food and a home and many loving people in our lives but I Iook around and I am looking for humanity. I am looking forward and back and everywhere in between and I wonder if, or when we will get back to a place where sickness, fear and going along to get a long are the abnormal; where compassion, understanding and love is everywhere.